


Regrets don't belong here with you

by Islandida



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:49:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21805465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Islandida/pseuds/Islandida
Summary: After the disaster that was Sandor and Sansa's housewarming party Ros takes Bronn home and he reveals the trauma he suffered from his time in the army and what happened after.
Relationships: Bronn (ASoIaF)/Ros (Game Of Thrones)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	Regrets don't belong here with you

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happened between Ros and Bronn after the housewarming party that takes place in chapter 28 of I don't want to be something you'll regret.
> 
> I want to give a warning to those who might be affected by it - this oneshot mentions violence and death in combat. It also includes retelling of suicide attempts, not to graphic but just a heads up.

“Can I hug you?” Bronn stared at Ros with wide eyes. “ Or is touching something you have an issue with right now? I know it can be different for everyone so I thought it best to ask first.”

He had just made a fool of himself, having a fucking flashback from the war and a panic attack on Sandor’s livingroom floor only a few minutes ago. Due to fucking fireworks. And here she was, looking at him with kindness in those perfect big blue eyes.

He had been so sure that whatever small shot he had with this woman had been blown just moments before but here she was, looking to comfort him. He had been intrigued with her the first time he had met her but he had known she was out of his league. Not only was she younger than him by almost ten years but she was fucking beautiful. That wouldn’t usually deter him, he was good looking enough and could put on enough charm to melt most hearts. There was just something in the way she carried herself, a confidence and grace that he hadn’t seen before.

It didn’t help things that his usual charms seemed to do fuck all to her. She seemed to think him funny or at least fun enough to talk to but no matter how he flirted she never flirted back. At least not when he met her at the Halloween party at Sandor’s bar. He loved working there, not only because he got to work with his best friend but because it gave him an opportunity to meet pretty women. 

He had spent nights with his fair share of women but since that night no one had been able to compare to her. Knowing she would be here at Sandor and Sansa’s housewarming party, he had hoped to catch her interest. But not like this, not with a fucking breakdown and having her standing before him when he was still half a mess.

_ You’re always half a mess. Never gonna be whole again. _

“You’ve experienced PTSD before?” he couldn’t be sure if he had ever admitted to anyone what was affecting him, expect for the therapist he had seen at his lowest. He wasn’t sure why he had admitted to it now, to her of all people.

“I read up a little about PTSD after Sansa… came home,” she said low. As he looked at her he saw no judgement, no pity, only genuine concern for his well being. She was a good person, he realized. One of the true good ones, if she could show such kindness and compassion towards someone she barely knew. “She struggled with touch for a while after… her last relationship.”

Bronn didn’t know the details of that and he felt it wasn’t his place to pry. He had his own share of demons that he didn’t want outed to other people. So he simply nodded and held out his arms.

With a soft smile she moved into his chest and held him close enough for the pressure to feel soothing yet loose enough that he didn’t feel overwhelmed.

_ Fuck, this is nice. _

He wasn’t sure when he had held someone like this. He hugged people, made out with people, fucked a lot but this was different. This was for comfort and that must have been years. The feeling was almost like a new one, a warmth that spread through their points of contact as his hands grasped her elbows.

“You call that a hug?” she said teasingly, her breath warming the exposed skin of his neck. Her words drew a huff of a laugh from him and he made a point of wrapping his arms tightly around her.

“Better?” he asked in the same teasing tone. Their closeness allowed him to feel her shrug even if he couldn’t see it.

“Meh.”

He shook his head, amused by the woman’s attitude. It gave him something to focus on, something that kept his mind in the present. It was hard sometimes to let the past go but as he felt her steady breaths against his it was somehow easier to focus on that, on her.

“Let’s head out,” she suggested after a long moment of just holding him. Her words made him pull back enough to be able to look at her, but not far enough to lose the contact between their chests.

“Where to then darling?” he asked, hoping that the cheerful tone of his voice was convincing enough.

“I’m taking you home. You’re in no condition to drive,” she said in a serious tone of voice that told him she meant business. If it was something Bronn struggled with it was feeling weak. And imaging the deafening silence of his apartment made him feel weak in the knees again.

The silence was always the worst, because in the silence there was nothing to cover up the sounds of gunfire and the screams of dying people that his mind played on repeat. He needed noise, he needed people to drown it out.

“I aint heading home. I’m gonna get a drink. You’re more than happy to join me,” he said suggestively as he pulled away from her arms. He gave her one of his cheeky grins that won most women over but she was looking at him with serious intent.

“It wasn’t a suggestion. Now let’s go.” The soldier in Bronn recognised it for the order that it was and he knew there was no arguing with her.

He’d let her drop him off at his place and when she left he’d head out. Maybe find a loud club or a warm body to keep him occupied until the noises dimmed again. For some reason the idea of a warm body felt wrong to him after having held Ros just moments before.

The car ride was quiet. He had expected her to have a thousand questions but she had kept her eyes firmly on the road. That should have unnerved him, the quiet should have made the sounds in his head unbearably loud but somehow they had already turned into background noise. Instead his head was filled with her. How her hair was a dark shade of red but if he looked closely enough he could see lighter, almost gold strands in there. Or how she had a line of three small birthmarks in a perfect line on the side of her neck. 

Before he knew it she had parked the car outside of his apartment and gotten out. With a confused frown he got out too and followed her as she opened the building door. Was she going to see him to the door? Like he was some child who couldn’t take care of himself? He was about to ask her just that but managed to remind himself that she had seen him at a real low point and she had treated him with kindness. If she intended to see him to her door he’d let her.

“Can I interest you in a nightcap?” he asked with a flirty grin that had her raising her eyebrow at him. He knew she would turn him down with a gentle smile, like she had done to all of his previous attempts of getting her into bed.

“Sure.” For a second he couldn’t hide his surprise but he quickly schooled his face into a pleased grin. With his usual flourish he opened the door and held it open for her. He couldn’t help but watch her as she took in his small living space.

It was a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchen, but at least it was separate from the living room. The living room wasn’t much more than an oversized leather couch and a tv but at least it was clean. He lived a simple life but at least he was living.

“You sit down. I’ll get us some drinks,” she suggested and with only a little reluctance he sat down on the couch.

“The third cabinet on the right, I’ve got a pretty good stock,” he said and she nodded. When she disappeared into the kitchen the silence felt suddenly deafening without her there. If he had been alone he would have put on some music, something loud and pumping to cover the silence and the shit that came with it. But Ros was there so he settled for putting on the tv and trying to focus on the crappy reality show that was on this time of night.

It took longer than it should, but finally she returned into the living room and handed him a mug. He stared down at it before lifting his blue eyes to hers as she sat down next to him.

“What the fuck is this?” he asked confused and he felt his throat constrict when her mouth twitched into a smile.

“Tea,” she answered deadpanned as she blew on her own hot beverage.

“I can see that. It wasn’t the drink I had in mind.” He shook his head at her but still took a sip, a part of him hoping that she had spiked it with something. But all he tasted was earl grey.

“It’s the one your having,” she told him firmly and moved her hand to rest it on his free hand. He stared down at the point of contact and without thinking he turned his head towards hers. When he saw the soft warmth in her eyes he leaned forward, his mouth moving to press against her lips. But before he had a chance to taste her she pulled back.

_ Fuck. Backtrack. Backtrack. _

But as she watched him with that kindness still in her eyes he only felt confused. She came home with him, had touched him, made him tea but she didn’t want to kiss him? He wasn’t an asshole, if a woman didn’t want him he’d back off quick as hell. But she wasn’t giving off signals that told him that she wanted him to back off. Nor was she actually giving him an inclination that she wanted him to act on the attraction he felt towards her either. It was a new feeling, being unsure and he fucking hated it.

“What is this?” he asked bluntly, not wanting to play any games anymore. He just wanted answers.

“This is me being here if you want to talk,” she said softly, squeezing the hand hers still rested on. “If you don’t want to talk, this is me being here either way.”

The honesty in her words and eyes made something swell inside his chest and for the first time since he had been a fucking green boy he wanted to kiss her just to feel the connection between them. It was the same feeling he had gotten when she had hugged him, comfort. When had a woman ever wanted to just be there for him? When was the last time anyone had offered to listen or offered their silent support without putting any pressure on him? Hell, he couldn’t even remember when anyone outside of his brothers in the army had cared like that.

Yet here she was, this woman who barely knew him from jack, and she was offering just that. She had fucking comforted him at a low point, taken him home and made him fucking tea. He hadn’t thought something that was a simple act of kindness could affect him as deeply as it was.

_ She won’t judge me for being weak. _

“I… I joined the army when I was 18. Didn’t even bother with graduating from High School. Fucking hated school and there wasn’t that many options for a kid from the wrong side of town. Didn’t want my mama to have to support me no more,” he heard himself saying and and she kept her eyes on him even as he looked down into his cup. “I really found my place in the army. I fucking loved it. I was a cocky shit but I was good, damn good, so I was recruited for the Special Forces. That’s where I met Sandor and the rest of our company. Those guys became my family.”

He had to take a fortifying breath as his mind flashed with memories of the people who had been his to protect and whom he had failed. She must have sensed his pain because he felt her thread her fingers through his, the connection steadying him.

“We spent years together and we were the best they had. Despite being in a fucking warzone and seeing battle first hand I had started to feel fucking invinsible. So when we were a part of that caravan I was a fucking idiot. I was singing at the top of my lungs for no fucking reason other than that it annoyed the fuck out of Sandor. He told me to shut up but that only made me sing louder. He was on lookout and I distracted him. If I hadn’t maybe we would have seen the ambush coming before we hit the IED.” He felt her tense next to him but he was grateful that she didn’t say anything. She just held onto his hand and waited. She was fucking patient because he was pretty sure that it took him way too long before he was able to speak again.

“There was a moment of silence, complete silence before my hearing came back. Then it was hell on earth. I saw body parts everywhere, pieces of the people I loved thrown around like something out of a fucking worthless horror flick.” He had a detached tone in his voice that he recognised from trying to distance himself from the sound of people screaming in agony. The sound of death. “The people who had survived the blast were being gunned down from a distance. I stayed down, searching for signs of life and I found Boone, Lutz and Jo. They were in really bad shape, but they were alive. I managed to pull them behind the wreck of our Humvee.”

He bit his lip as he remembered how Boone had told him to fucking leave him, that he had to get the others. That he had to save himself. Bronn had reminded him of that pretty girl he had back home who was waiting on him, his baby expected any day now as he pulled him behind cover. He’d never forget the sorrowful look on Boone’s face as he told Bronn that he was going to miss everything. It swam before his eyes now as the memory engulfed him. He wasn’t even aware that he was saying everything out loud.

_ “Shut the fuck up man, you’re gonna be there for everything.” _

_ “Nah man, but she’ll have her mama. Did I tell you that it’s a girl? A girl. Who’s gonna be there with a shotgun at her first date? Dance with her on her wedding day?” _

_ “You will. You will Boone.” _

_ “We’re gonna name her Lily. After her grandmother.” _

_ He had barely gotten the words out before his eyes turned glassy and he had fallen over, face first in the sand. Lutz had been the one to turn him over and closed his eyes, saying a silent prayer as he himself was bleeding out from a gunshot wound in the stomach. _

_ That was when he had heard Sandor’s scream of agony. The fucking idiot had brought down all enemy fire on his position and Bronn had barely had time to aim before he had to fire and shoot to take out enough people to be able to pull the big fucker under cover. Sandor had been in bad shape, his leg bleeding from the shrapnel lodged in it, and kept drifting in and out of consciousness. Lutz was getting weaker by the minute and Bronn had made a tourniquet over Jo’s arm but it was still bleeding a lot. Bronn was more worried about her going into shock before rescue came. If it every would. _

_ As darkness fell the real hell started. Bronn was a good shot, but when the sun set in the desert there was only pitchblack darkness and he had to rely on sound. By then the other three were silent, probably unconscious, he didn’t want to think that their silence meant something worse. He knew that they were surrounded and that it was only a matter of time before they ran out of bullets, so he couldn’t just shot at random. _

_ He sat there in the silence, his nerves on edge and frayed into oblivion but he had to keep his team safe. He had to get them home. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, firing at threats and anticipating where the next one was coming from. Afterwards he had been told it was six hours but it had felt like days. He slowly felt all sense of time and reality slip away and he suspected that the enemy were waiting them out, thinking that they would die from their injuries. _

_ He had almost cracked when Lutz had woken up and had sobbed as he begged Bronn to kill him. That it hurt too much and that there was no way he was gonna survive this. _

_ “I’m dead anyway. Just end it. Put me out of my misery.” _

_ “I can’t. You’re gonna be okay. We’ll get out of here.” _

_ “Just fucking kill me already!” Bronn had been forced to press his hand over the other man’s mouth to silence his screams and eventually his kicking and screaming had subsided as he fell unconscious again. The outburst had struck Bronn hard, Lutz had always been strong in his faith in that the Gods were looking out for them and to see him brought to this brink of despair would never leave Bronn. _

_ When there was new loud sounds of gunfire and shouts in english Bronn didn’t recognise them. He wasn’t sure if they were real or only in his head. He fired at everything, losing himself to the desperate need to keep his team safe. To save what was left of his family. He heard the dying screams of his people and it was as if he couldn’t make any sense of the world anymore. There were only screams of pain and the sound of gunfire as he fought with everything he had to save those who a part of him knew were lost already. _

_ Thinking back now he didn’t remember Sandor screaming at him to drop the gun or the punch that had knocked him out. He wasn’t sure if it was a pain or a mercy that he had no memory of the helicopter ride back to base, with the bodies of three of his company next to him. People he had failed, people who had loved ones at home waiting for them. And he, who had no one, not a soul but those who had now left this earth was allowed to live, allowed to go back home with barely a scratch on his body. _

Bronn was shaking as he finished telling his story and as he came back to himself he turned his head to look at Ros. There was silent tears falling down her cheeks but as her eyes met his she looked so strong. Stronger than Bronn had ever felt and he wanted to be greedy, he wanted to steal some of it for himself. To his great surprise he didn’t have to steal something that was freely given.

“I won’t pretend that I can even fathom what you’ve been through. But if there is one thing I know is that you have people here that cares about you. We both saw that first hand tonight,” she said softly as she lifted her hand and rested it against his scruffy cheek. He leaned into the touch and she smiled despite the tears that were still falling. “What happened when you got back? Did you get treatment?”

He watched her, searched her face and he wished that the words that was about to leave him wouldn’t make her look at him differently. He knew the odds weren't in his favour but he knew that if he wanted this to become something, anything, more than this moment she needed to hear it.

“I left the army and refused all treatment. I was done. I wanted out desperately,” he admitted with a sigh. “I tried to act as if I was fine, but it didn’t take long before I was cracking. I couldn’t sleep because when the quiet came so did the voices. The screams and death cries. I heard them as clearly as if it were happening all over again. So I tried to drown them out with partying, alcohol, women and drugs. Anything to keep the voices out.”

She nodded to show him that she was hearing him and he took a deep breath before pulling his head back from her touch. He needed the distance to be able to continue.

“It… it didn’t work, not long. I ended up taking more and more drugs, hoping to numb myself until it nearly killed me,” he admitted with shame. “The only thing I was grateful for then was that my mom had died two years earlier, so that she didn’t have to seem me like that.”

“How many times did you overdose?” she asked. There was no judgement in her voice, only concern but he couldn’t bare looking up to see if there was anything else in her eyes.

_ Just get it all out. _

“I accidentally overdosed once. I tried to kill myself three times, using drugs and alcohol.” He sighed and dragged his hand over his face slowly. “Sandor was the one who found me everytime, saving my life by driving me to the hospital. The last time he told me I had to make a choice. Either I’d make my life the best that I could and be fucking grateful for what I had, despite how little. Or the next time I tried to kill myself I’d better succeed because he was done with having to drive me to the hospital.”

Her delicate hand came into his line of vision then as it grasped one his that was resting on his lap. He allowed himself the comfort of stroking his thumb over the back of her hand, his eyes following the motion as if it was almost hypnotic.

“The same day that I got out of the hospital I sat right here on this couch and I put my gun in my mouth.” He heard her gasp and tightened his grip on her hand, needing to hold on to her as he admitted something he had never spoken out loud before. “As I sat there I heard them, I heard them die. But I couldn’t make myself pull the trigger. I was so angry with myself for being a coward, but then it was as if I could hear Boone’s voice in my head. Talking so happily about how he was going to be a daddy. And then there was Jo, talking about her little brother whom she was planning on opening an auto shop with. And Lutz, talking about how the Gods had a plan for all of us. And I realised that I didn’t want to die. That I wanted to live and that it was okay to want that.”

He lifted his eyes to look at her then and she threw her arms around him the second their eyes met. She held him firmly against her chest and he let himself relax into the feeling of her in his arms. That comfort that was there instantly. He allowed himself to lose himself in the hug, to have this moment of peace after that grueling retelling of his biggest regrets and most painful demons. He had told her and she hugged him.

“I can still hear the voices sometimes and I have flashbacks but I’m in therapy and I’m doing better. I’m living,” he added and he felt her squeeze him tighter.

“Are you clean?” she asked with a soft voice and he nodded against her shoulder.

“Got my three year medallion at my last NA meeting,” he told her and he couldn’t hide the proud tint in his voice. He had worked so fucking hard for that, he felt he was allowed to be proud of the effort.

“And the gun?” she asked as she lifted her eyes to look at him.

“I threw it in the river. I know that it wasn’t that smart but it felt fucking good,” he admitted and the smile that split her face then would have made him soar if it wasn’t for the tight grip her arms had around him.

_ How can she know everything and stay? How can she smile at me like that now that she knows everything? _

He wasn’t sure how long they just sat there, holding each other close with the sound of the tv playing in the background. He just knew that liked it a lot, having some to hold at the end of the day suddenly felt rather appealing. Not once did he feel the need to fill the silence with a quip or a teasing comment. There was no need to lighten the mood or break the silence because it already felt good. 

“Would it be alright if we went to bed now?” she asked and he bit his tongue to keep a flirty response from slipping out completely out of habit. Instead he nodded and when they both laid down in his bed he felt how drained he was.

She had changed into one of his shirts and he was in a pair of flannel pyjama pants and a t-shirt and despite having this beautiful sexy woman in his arms, in his bed, the only thing that filled his mind was that despite the complete silence there was no other noise than her steady breaths against his chest. Silence had never been as peaceful as it was in that moment and for the first time in years he simply drifted off to sleep.

Bronn woke slowly, his subconscious telling him that something was different. Not only that he felt rested but that he felt lighter. As the memories of last night came back he opened his eyes to find Ros leaning over him, watching him intently.

“Counting my wrinkles?” he teased with a smile and when she smiled back he wondered if this was how it was supposed to feel when you were with someone.. This happiness just from making her smile rivaled a lot of things he thought had made him happy.

“Just thinking,” she said softly and he raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

“About?”

“About how happy I am that you are alive.” Her words made him gasp and in the next second her mouth was on his, claiming him in a heated kiss that had him groaning. Instinctively his hands grasped her hips as hers tangled into his hair, pulling his mouth even closer to hers.

There was a desperation in how he clutched to her but he made himself relax, to loosen his grip slightly and allow himself to fully experience her. He moved his hands down to her thighs and hesitated at the hem of the t-shirt. There was a hum of agreement against his lips before her tongue dove deeper into his mouth and he slowly pulled the shirt of her.

He caught her face into his hands before she was able to press her face to his again and with a caress along her cheekbone he drew a smile from her that warmed him into his core. He let his eyes wander down her long neck, over her full breasts and down her abdomen that was speckled with freckles.

“Shit, you’re beautiful,” he said and she turned her head to press a soft kiss against his palm, making both his heart and his cock jump in unison. With a soft press of his lips against hers he got her to lean back until her back was against the mattress and he could hoover above her. He started pressing open mouthed kisses down her throat and grinned against her skin when she moaned loudly. He stored that particular part of her neck into memory as his mouth continued downwards. When he kissed his way around one of her breasts, purposely avoiding the nippled she growled and grabbed his hair in her hand. With a sharp tug, that had his cock leaking, she pressed him where she wanted him and he was more than happy to obey. Suspecting that she wanted it hard he sucked her nipple firmly and when she moaned low in her throat he licked his way over to the other nipple and gave it the same treatment.

“Bronn,” she groaned and it was almost his undoing. He had to press a firm hand against his cock to ease the throbbing ache and she smirked down at him when she caught the movement. Her hands moved to fist his shirt and pull it off him, before they quickly moved to pull down his pants and underwear in one go.

He tried to keep his cool as he felt her long slender fingers trace his back all the way down to the curve of his ass and busied himself with kissing his way down her stomach, tracing the freckles with the tip of his tongue until he made his way to her underwear. Before he had a chance to ask if it was alright her hands were there, tugging her panties down and he happily aided her in removing them.

He took a moment to stare down at the waxed swollen lips of her pussy and licked his lips in anticipation of what she would taste like. He heard a sharp gasp as she grabbed a fistful of his hair and pressed him down, towards the center of her.

“Please,” she pleaded and she didn’t not have to ask twice. He used his hand to spread her lips and then his tongue slowly but firmly lapped from her clit down to her entrance and up again. When he reached her clit he pressed down with the flat of his tongue firmly and she cried out so loudly that he almost jumped. When he calmed he couldn’t keep in a chuckle and the feeling of that against her clit seemed to arouse her because he could feel her becoming even wetter.

“Damn woman,” he growled and when she keened he took her clit between his lips and sucked. While she was dazed by that strong sensation his finger dragged down her slit until it found her entrance and pushed inside. Her back arched due to the onslaught and he felt fucking pleased as punch that he could have a woman like Ros crying out from pleasure that he was giving her.

“Another finger,” she demanded and he happily obliged her. He knew that he’d go anything, give her anything she wanted in that moment. Probably in any moment.

He felt her tighten around his fingers and when her hips started thrusting erratically he pulled both his mouth and fingers away, making her groan in frustration as she glared daggers at him. The heath in her eyes made him smirk as he pressed a soft kiss to the v of her hip bone.

“I want to be inside of you when you come. Can I?” he asked and his words had her eyes rolling back into her head before she reached her arms out to him. He grabbed a condom from his nightstand and quickly put it on before moving to lie on top of her. Her hands moved down to squeeze his ass and press his cock against her. With a groan he snaked his hand between them to line himself up and she lifted her hips to give him easier access.

The feeling of her pussy engulfing him, her walls tightening around him as he bottomed out had him seeing white. He should be ashamed of how close he was already but there was just something about Ros, something that made him feel like everything was new. That he was experiencing things in a different way, as if for the first time it was real.

In order to not make a complete fool of himself he sat up on his knees so that he could pump into her while his hand rubbed her clit in time with his trusts.

“Gods yes!” she cried out and he quickened his pace slightly, pushing a little harder and her nails clawed at him, making red lines appear on his chest and he fucking loved it. “Bronn!”

“Come on baby, come for me,” he grunted out and she cried out his name again as she came. Her pussy clenched so tightly around him that he couldn’t have moved even if he wanted too and with a deep shout he came so hard that he couldn’t do anything but gasp for air.

He collapsed on top of her and after collecting himself for a moment he was about to move away but then her hand came up to slowly push through his hair and he lost all desire to move. Her hand kept up the movement and he felt like fucking purring. She was amazing, and she made him feel amazing. He had tried to be happy, thought he was happy but now that he knew that there was a difference between what he had felt then and what he felt now his previous experiences faded in comparison.

“I don’t want to ruin the moment and all. But I have to drop of a finished order in two hours. I better head out,” she said softly and he reluctantly untangled himself and got out of the bed. During the time it took him to discard of the condom in the bathroom she had managed to put on her clothes from last night. He was still butt naked and she completely dressed as he walked her to the door.

An unfamiliar part of him didn’t want her to leave. That new part of him that now knew what it was like to hold and be held by her. Who knew what it was like to kiss her, to be inside of her. But also how it felt to be comforted by her, how it felt to sleep with her in his arms.

“See you around sweet cheeks,” she said with a smile that he happily returned after she had pressed a soft kiss against his lips.

“Yeah.” He managed to get out before she closed the door behind her. As he stood there staring at the door with a smile, the man who only ever had one night stands promised himself that he was gonna make sure that he did not only see her around again. But that she went home with him again.

_ Soon. Very soon. _


End file.
